Santa arrested
By Chris Moxon
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows when you are bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. Santa is not practicing what he preaches as the song would imply. He’s accused of breaking labor laws.
Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, was arrested the day after Thanksgiving for allegedly violating labor laws.
“I’m shocked,” says Elf #6, a toy builder and retired employee of Kringle. “I’ve been a career toy builder and I’ve never had any issues with Kringle.”
Elf #6 worked for Kringle for the past 450 years and describes him as an exceptional boss. “I will continue to support him; however, some elves have a different opinion.”
“[Santa] treats the reindeers better than us. We work 18-hour shifts, 365 days a year, and the shop smells like reindeer urine and manure,” says Elf #16357, as he describes the working conditions at Santa’s Workshop. Some elves describe it as a sweat shop.
Elf #126 adds, “I haven’t seen my family in eight years.” The demands of the job require the elves to be away from their families for long periods of time. The location of the factory — the North Pole— makes it near impossible to visit family members throughout the year.
Additionally, elves feel disenfranchised as their work is undervalued.
“We’re the 99 percent and we’re sick and tired of it. We put in countless hours only to be shoved aside. We put in the work, where is our cut of the money?” Elf #8765 says.
“We need to unionize, we need guaranteed retirement, and we need yearly raises. The Keebler elves have these things. Why not us?” says Elf #90210, who dreams of one day finding a wife named Brenda.
Robert Stohlmacher, executive director of Hanukkah, briefly discusses the allegations.
“Kris Kringle has been a great friend and supporter of Hanukkah and I hope this issue will be resolved quickly.”
Michael Bolton, the director of public relations for Kwanzaa, says, “During the holiday season things don’t run as smoothly as planned, but valuing the workers who sacrifice their time is always a top priority.”
Kringle is awaiting his arraignment. The elves are working steadily although Santa’s arrest may jeopardize gift delivery on Christmas Eve.
Kringle was born in Brandenburg, Germany. He established his gift-giving business in 1583 A.D. Kringle is also a franchise owner of several Jamba Juices in Los Angeles as well as the inventor of jean shorts, aka “jorts”. He is also suspected of ordering the assassination of John Lennon after he married Yoko Ono in 1969. Allegedly she was Kringle’s mistress.
The information provided in this cutting-edge investigative article may not be factual. Believe it at your own risk.
Happy Holidays!
Coyote Student News at the College of Southern Nevada 